VA: William, would you take me out on a date if I weren’t your sister?
William: Well, maybe. If I had my own car.
VA: If you had your own car you’d take me on a date?
William: Yeah, maybe. If you weren’t my sister.
KB: Would you take me on a date if I weren’t your sister?
William: Well maybe, if I had my own car!
KB: So you’d pick me up and pay for dinner and stuff? You know the guy has to pay if it’s a date?
KB: You didn’t know the guy has to pay?
William: I don’t wanna pay!
KB: So you wouldn’t take me out on a date if I weren’t your sister?
William: Well, I don’t wanna pay! You can pay! I just wanna drive!
VA: I like the picture of me doing a flip on the trampoline, because it makes me look mildly athletic.
KB: That is something to think about. I want a new profile pic. I would want one of me doing deadlifts but I want to get more plates on first.
VA: How about when I finish eating, you can have my plates.
Passing Victoria’s Secret
VA: UGH, her perfect body. I wish I looked like that.
KB: It’s not real, you know.
VA: Yes it is!
KB: There’s a LOT of Photoshop on those pictures.
VA: Oh. Well… I’m just gonna pretend she’s a really fat girl to make myself feel better.
After watching a Blistex commercial
KB: Do you girls have five-star lips?
KB: Well you better GET ON that.
Maggie: I think mine are more like three-star.
KB: Obama’s at nc state so 40’s shut down. THANKS OBAMA
VA: You see how his socialist agenda is affecting today’s traffic.
Rebecca: I may or may not have gotten literally stuck inside a pair of pants yesterday.
Anna: I really wanna see The Hunger Games. The Conlon boys said it was really good. Well, Peter said it was good. Nate said the seats were uncomfortable.
After I burp
William: Jesse and Daddy burp like that. It’s so cool.
William: Have you ever seen a three-legged elephant? Cuz I haven’t.
KB: William, do you want pie now?
William: No, I want to de-gest a little first.
Dave: hows fun time with the kids?
KB: We just finished Cars 2, then we finished the pie, now we’re watching Phineas and Ferb. Then I think Pookums and Zubby are going to bed and Anna and I are watching She’s the Man. Big agenda. :-P What about you?
Dave: about the same actually. After i put zibbidydooda and chingching to bed, me and sartaropolaus are gonna watch justified
KB: do yall have casual fridays?
we have uncomfortable Tuesdays
A sibling: How many is a bajillion?
KB: What do you mean? What kind of question is that? That's like asking "How many is five?" It's five! A bajillion is a bajillion!
KB: How long is ten feet?
Dave: What do you mean? What kind of question is that?! It's ten of them!
Guy at the brewery: Can I get a Fruitcake for my partner?
Dave: Ok, you have to put this in your quotables. This has to be, like, your whole Quotables. That guy just asked for a Fruitcake for his partner. Do you not see how funny that is??
KB: We assaulted part of the driveway earlier.
Mom: That sounds like fun.
Rebecca: Periods really cramp my style.
KB: har har har
Rebecca: You should thank me, I opted not to post that on facebook.
Pat: What is up with my preacher? He wants me to join Twitter.
William: Mrs. Lenahan, can I have my birthday party at your house?
Mrs. Lenahan: Sure! What do you want to do?
William: Well, I mostly want to play with the Potato Heads.
KB: Stop! You look like an embarrassed sea turtle!
Rebecca: I am an embarrassed sea turtle!
KB: Well stop! Sea turtles have nothing to be embarrassed about!
Maggie: Except looking like awkward Rebeccas.
As I timidly get in the car so she can drive:
Rebecca: You are not going to die. Well, you might.
Rebecca: Nowadays I can mostly put my turn signals on and off without crashing into people.
Alex: I ate too much comfort food and now I feel terrible :-(
KB: Lol, oh dear. You do that a lot.
Alex: I NEED A LOT OF COMFORTING!!!!
KB: Whoa there buddy.
Alex: Just not from people…
KB: Oh nothing
Alex: You don’t count as people!!
KB: I’m really confused about whether or not I should be offended.
Alex: Lol, I don’t like people.
KB: But… am I food?
Alex: I just laughed soooo hard! You are NOT food.
Alex: Your meat would be tough and bland because you exercise too much and have no fat!
KB: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Alex: No way!
KB: I'm at Hana and Michael’s and I'm not wearing pants. [Translation: I’m wearing leggings.]
VA: Also, at Hana and Michael’s, what were you wearing under your not pants?
KB: underpants! They're Hana's not pants.
VA: you just wore those around Michael?? Weird.
KB: Well they're super loose, so... I'm still wearing them actually. We're having the laziest day ever AND there was bacon.
VA: You should put some pants on. Poor Michael.
KB: HE doesn't care. They just look like those horrible stirrup pants everyone used to wear.
VA: Why does Hana have those? Ohh I just realized... I was actually imagining you wearing underwear. And when you said that they're loose, it just made it way worse.
KB: woooooow lolz
VA: Glad we got that cleared up. SO GLAD.
Alex: One time in the Harris Teeter parking lot I saw three midgets. They were in the middle of where everyone else was driving, and they were holding hands and skipping.
KB: They were going to Oz.
Alex: No, they were going to Subway.
KB: I think I just choked on my own throat and coughed it all up….
Alex: You coughed up your throat?!
KB: I believe so, yes.
KB: I believe so, yes.
Alex: Is that something you can walk off or do you need to seek a professional?
Alex: I’m tired of being a fattymagoo.
VA: last night I dreamed that I found a live baby in a dumpster. I rescued it, but it kept shrinking throughout the dream, and eventually it turned into a sponge.
I've always sort of wanted to rescue a baby, but I would want to keep it, and that would probably not be very good. So that's why I never rescue babies. When I see em lying around I'm like, nah.
VA: Yeah. I kept the one I rescued, and it turned into a sponge. I think the moral of this story is pretty clear.
Alex: I fear that I will never again have a job where I can have impromptu giant pixie stick fights with the customers… that’s a sad realization...
Miles: Apparently we have a slack mailman. Ima find 'im and give him what for. And then I'm gonna beat him up, with that same what for. You can beat someone up with a what for, right?
William: Sometime I want to come stay at your house without the girls, and we can go to your pool and eat pizza all day!
KB: Pizza all day?? That doesn't sound very healthy....
William: *thinks for a minute* Pizza and carrots and apples!
Dave: i had a return today that was 106 pages long
i cant wait until my financial life gets that complicated
its like.......3 pages
depending on the font size and spacing
KB: why the heck would you want it to be complicated??!?!?!! why can't it be uncomplicated and just pricey?!
Dave: that statement would be an improvement for the average woman
instead.....they are complicated AND pricey
Following a conversation about Anna's throwing knives
Jordan: Every time I come back I'm slightly amazed that there are still so many of you.
Patience: Is it because our brains are smaller than normal?
During a discussion of weight and exercise
Patience: *picks up a French fry* should I eat this?... It's fine, I can afford it.
Patience: I’m pretty sure I’m Grandma’s favorite grandchild.
KB: You’re sure of that, huh?
Patience: How could I not be?
KB: There’s a goose out there, just chillin’ in the water.
Pat: Stupid idiot.
KB: He’s all by himself.
Pat: Oh, there’s another one. They’re in pairs, they can’t poop alone.
Getting birthday gift suggestions:
KB: What about Patience?
Mom: No idea. Was going to google “gifts for the organized child.”