Friday, April 17, 2015


Sometimes I consider taking certain conversations out of Quotables, but then it just never happens.


Laura: My day has basically consisted of letting the kids run wild while I eat chips and salsa.

Becca: Oh! We could watch this documentary about artifacts, photographs and journals tell the story of 350 American GI's who were held at Berga, a secretive Nazi concentration camp!
Erin: Oh we could! We just need milkshakes and we'll be DONE!

Erin: I've hugged many a child.
Lauren: Do you wanna try that again?

Becca: Are you ready to try again? You're clearly not.
Erin: But I HAVE hugged many a child!!!

Normal roommate conversations
Becca: Pee. I must. Before shower. I also have three blankets on. It's perfect.
KB: But how will you pee if you're so cozy? I still have to take my contacts out and stuff before I shower, so you can pee now or later.
Becca: Lol I'm ready to pee at any time. You just let me know when. Also, I'm bringing all my blankets with me.
KB: Potty's free! I wish I could watch you try to navigate your blankets and that that wish weren't so creepy.
Becca: Showers free! And you wouldn't be a good roommate if you didn't have creepy wishes of seeing me pee with blankets.

Leaving church
Rebecca: Maggie is driving. This is kind of scary.
KB: good luck... when will you be home?
Rebecca: probably Tuesday.

KB: Are you gonna turn into a foodie? Cuz I don’t know if I can live with a foodie.
Becca: What?! I don’t know what a foodie is. But I DO know that YOU have more FOODIE than anyone in this house! If anyone’s a foodie it’s you! Of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD to ask me that….

KB: Should I buy food? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Becca: Well you need probs more nourishment than beans

Becca: Will you peoples be around saturday around noon??
KB: Not me, I’ll be teaching. Wherefore?
Becca: Prayer partna might come here fore art thou….my Shakespeare is rusty…
KB: Thou totally just rockedest Shakespeare
Becca: Thy heart flutters with bliss

KB: I forgot to take my sausage and bacon out to thaw this morning. Woe is me.
Becca: My heart does not fluttereth

Becca: So one of your curly hairs came into my room earlier.
KB: What, all by itself? It just bounced in like doink doink doink?
Becca: Yeah, all by itself. And I haven't shaved in a while so I was lifting up my pant leg to see how long my hair was--
Becca: UH HUH!

Genise: ARRRGGHHHHH. I just wanna light them all on fire and be done with it!...................... THE PAPERS, NOT THE KIDS.

I overhear a conversation in the morning
KB: Mike, what did you say?
Mike: *unintelligible*
Mike: CONVERTING… what did you think I said?
KB: Oohh. Well it sound like Kelly said, “Hi Mike, you’re so cute,” and then you said, “Tim Burton,” but then I thought that either of those things couldn’t really have been said….

KB: Where are your clothes?
William: Not on me!

Looking at an old bathroom cabinet
Mom: Ugh, that looks awful!
KB: It just looks distressed. It’s vintage!
Mom: It’s making ME distressed.

I get several texts full of ?’s and @’s
Laura: Heh, that would be Marcus. Don’t know if that came through but it consisted mostly of recycling symbols and lightbulbs. Poor kid, it’s the closest thing he has to video games.

Laura: Vinnie saw a sign for “Stressed-out Superwoman Support Group.” I think we should go.

The bunny runs under the bed
William: Well, while you’re waiting for Fluffy to come out, I guess you could give me a hug, if you want.


Becca: My tea bags have nice inspiration quotes on them. Today mine says “every smile is an achievement” Im going to go and smile 100 times a day so ill be very successful

Becca: I just want you to know I love the word “applicable.” I’m gonna use it in everything.
KB: Everything, huh?
Becca: Well not everything… just when I talk.

Alex: She’s clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed. I almost said the sharpest pea in the pod.

Maggie: What kind of disorder does a person have if they’re not very likeable?

Rebecca: I passed my phone earlier and noticed that I had a text from Mommy, so I asked when she was even out today, and she said never, so I asked why she texted me, and she said “because I was in my room.”

Becca: I don't know how she doesn't fall off that thing she's sitting on when she's sleeping.
KB: Bird skills, man.
Becca: I need some.

Alex: Just dropped my phone into a pot of boiling water, but it’s alright.

Regarding Becca’s dieting success
KB: Dude… that’s fantastic. I can absolutely support that and help you out by drinking all the vodka myself.
Becca: Lol yes! This is a grade A symbiotic relationship

KB: Massive headache and I think I have a lung tumor.
Becca: Bahahah, this diagnosis is obviously so on point
Excuse me, on fleek.

Becca: Today was… just wow.
KB: Is that a good wow or a bad wow? I kind of think it was a bad wow…?
Becca: It’s like a middle wow

Luis and I are both in the hospital
KB: Trade??
Luis: Haha. I’ll think about it.
KB: There’s a finger puppet and a penguin picture involved.
Luis: I’ve seen that on Facebook. It’s very tempting.

Alex: My tummy feels like an imploding star

Becca: Ahhhhh!!!!!
KB: Dreams. Also good morning?
Becca: No. That’s my reaction to all ten year olds
KB: I thought it might be.
Becca: The earth is overpopulated. I’m probably going to talk to God today about their need for existence
KB: Let me know what God says about the existence of 10 year olds.
Becca: Oh, I will. Don’t you worry. I feel it’ll benefit Lauren also so I’ll probably just call a meeting to discuss my findings

KB: What did God say about ten year olds?
Becca: Their existence is unnecessary but my spiritual gift is not to get rid of them so I need to shut my mouth.

KB: Hurting again today. Frustrated.
Becca: Chest?
KB: Back.
Becca: That’s no good. You warn that back we’ll be having a stern talk when it gets home
KB: It’s gonna be nervous all day now!
Becca: Good. It better be on its best behavior. I’m not one to be messed with

Rachael: Pat makes noises just like I do!
KB: Rachael, no one makes noises quite like you do.
Rachael: Pat comes close.
Pat: I come close to the noises you make? Wow. I need supervision.

Becca’s post-workout hair
Becca: I need someone to smell it to tell me how gross I smell Bahah
KB: Lol! I love you but I have limits.
Becca: lol it’s a simple hug and sniff

KB: Have you ever seen that poopurri commercial with the ginger in the blue dress sitting on the toilet?
Becca: Yeah?
KB: That's what I felt like just now.
Becca: PLEASE have my permission to put that in quotables.

I tell Rebecca I need fabric to cover my portfolio table
Maggie: Why would she need to cover it?
Rebecca: So it won’t be embarrassed!
Maggie: Why would it be embarrassed?
Rebecca:Wouldn’t you be embarrassed if you were naked at a portfolio show?
Maggie: Well, yes.

KB: Before you fall asleep I would like to release something that's been in the back if my mind for days. I'm not that concerned about it but I feel like if I don't say it out loud I may become so.
Becca: Okay, do you need to do it in person?
KB: Oh no, I was just gonna say it via text and use extra exclamation points and question marks. And maybe some capital letters if they come upon me suddenly.
Becca: I just put a shirt on for you. Waste.

Pat: I want someone to take over my email for about forty-seven days.

KB: Sounds awesome.
Joe: I think you meant "reads awesome"
KB: I read it out loud to myself to make sure I was being truthful.
Joe: This is why you have been a true adversary all these years

KB: But what if you WERE named Dr. Pookums?
William: *angry sounds*
KB: But what if you WERE? I'm just ASKING.
William: I'D QUIT!

William: *gently touches my face* Oh! Your cheeks are different than mine.

Following a conversation about eating with no hands, Patience begins eating her brownie with no hands
Daddy, sternly: Patience! Stop that!
Wondering stares from everyone
Daddy: That's Jesse’s piece.

Patience: What should I paint with my--
Anna: Butt.

KB: You have a booger hanging out of your nose.
Anna: Oh! I was looking for that.

Becca: My entire room smells like a leo fart. -_-
KB: Ha. Mine smells like freshly cut grass. :-P
Becca: If you were my enemy I would shove Leo in your room and shut the door and trap you in there with him so he made your room stink too. But, alas, you are my friend.
KB: Thank goodness. His farts could kill a moose.
Becca: Precisely. I keep him around for hunting.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Closing Statements from a Disgruntled February 2015

Hey guys, thanks for coming. I won’t be long… ha ha... Man, tough crowd.

Anyway, yeah, so I admit I got a late start this year. Still not thrilled about the memes of me staring at my alarm clock shouting “CRAP CRAP CRAP."

After that whole debacle I got the memo from Corporate, LATE, as usual, saying they’d upped the annual snow quota at the last minute and guess who’s gotta pick up the slack? Gotta call the wife and tell her I’ll be working late again. I swear they do this stuff on purpose. Everybody’s gotta pick on the little guy.

It’s not like I can refuse the extra work. I’m two days short of a full month as it is, I gotta take as much work as I can get. I gotta family to feed!

I see that face, April. Nobody makes you work overtime, you just do it for the attention. Going around like cry, cry, cry all the time just ‘cause you got a girl’s name, gimme a break.

I mean it’s no easy task being the coldest month in the south. I got schools and businesses to close and states of emergency to declare here. I gotta make sure all the stores are low on bread and milk for a week prior to any big project. People like their bread around here. They make TONS.

I just feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick here. What’s the deal? I mean I get that December’s tired and wants to check out. He’s only got like a week of winter anyway. But what’s up with January, huh? You think just ‘cause you’re the first month of the year you can slack off? You had a whole thirty-one days and you did what?

Anyway, all I’m saying is I wish some other people would pull their own weight around here. Not March though. Can’t count on March for anything. Freakin’ hippie.

Monday, December 29, 2014


Becca: I’m sending you a support letter via the mail with no stamp. I’ll just stick it in the mailbox and you’ll find it one day and be surprised

Becca: My grammar skills overwhelm you, admit it

Becca: Part of me wants to go to bible study simply because I washed my hair today and it looks amazing.

Alex: We could make a reality show and be famous
Well, not real famous but mtv2 famous

Maggie: Anna's bigger than Sasquatch?
Patience: Oh, Anna's way bigger than Sasquatch!

Rebecca: I got so much glitter on my visage last night, I think I'm turning into Edward Cullen.

Becca: I’m disappearing for 6 months and traveling with Leo and just pretending I don’t exist. I’ll buy a carrier pigeon to send you notes from me.

Becca: I don’t want to go to small group tonight. I actually want to go to the clinic like now so I’ll quit feeling so weak
KB: Maybe you should do that……?
I would vouch for you
Becca: Well I was deciding between going tonight or tomorrow but maybe you’re right and I should just go tonight.
But my hair. It’s clean and nice.

Mom: I don't know where our big bowl is.

Pat: *on the phone with a customer* That job would be… Katie Beth
KB: *whispers* Noooo……
Mike: Hehe.
Pat: Oh, actually that’s Mike.
Mike: *whispers* Noooo……

In the middle of a serious conversation
Hana: That’s not important right now. There’s a two inch bee or something in my house.

KB: Today I saw a mom driving a sprinter van.
Dad: Coveting.
KB: The mom or the van?
Dad: Got the mom, don’t have the van.

Alex: No matter what i do i can’t get my side fats to go away!
KB: Is it actually fat or do you just think it is?
KB: Bahaha
Alex: It’s not funny! This is serious!
KB: On a scale of Orange to G how serious is it?
Alex: Cosmetic testing on infants!
KB: Whooooaaaaa
Alex: Finally grasping the magnitude of the situation I see
KB: At least how you rate the magnitude of the situation
Alex: Threat level RED!
Alex: So after further assessment these jiggly parts on my sides/back may be a combination of skin and a muscle i don’t know how to consciously flex…
Sooo… threat level orange…

KB: You took all my sleep.
Becca: That’s what friends are for

Regarding the frigid temperature of the house
KB: My secret is to make the water so hot that by the time you’re done it’s not even fun anymore and the cold is almost nice. At least I decided that was my secret when I realized it was happening yesterday.
Becca: Lol I mean I realized my nose temp was my secret when it happened yesterday. Life is a series of moments

Becca: Even my laughs are tweetable!!!!

KB: Man, I’m having a hard time with this logo.

Reading Maggie’s shopping list
KB: Yoga pants with pockets? They make those?
Maggie: I don’t know. They might not.
KB: I don’t know if they do. What would you put in them?
Maggie: Hands.

KB: I’m eating cereal on my bed bc the rest of the house is too cold.
VA: I wish I was eating cereal on your bed.

Dad: Were you planning on coming home after church tomorrow?
KB: I wasn't sure... I have a lot of hw. Why?
Dad: reason. Maybe cause you can't go in your room.
KB: Lol... well... will I be able to go in there at all before Christmas? And do I know what's in there anyway?
Dad: Hard to say...hard to know. Life's a mystery. Gotta go;-)
KB: Lol, ok, weirdo.
Dad: Tralala, tralala.

KB: I hate everything.
VA: No no no..
KB: But but but….
VA: You said butt. Hehe

Becca: So they have toll house cookie dough for cookies and I just tasted it and it is terrible. The expiration date says dec 2011… Am I going to die?

Alex: I had a dream that you got super fat and i got super fat to make you feel better about it, but it didn’t work and we were both miserable

Squeezing together on the couch
Philip: I wonder if people in big families are skinnier by necessity.

Granddaddy I even actually like dogs, especially when they're on TV.

Rebecca: I don't destroy things, I reinvent things!

Steffi: Phil, did you know Hana's pregnant??
Philip: Is it a puppy?????

KB: Are you about to lasso Shawn?
Kelly: No, he’s not up for it today. Some other day.

Becca: Sometimes I try to pee really loud so you’ll know I’m in the bathroom

KB: I assume you're still living?
Alex: No, sorry for your loss.

KB: I’m at the seminary stealing pancakes and I just saw a mini David Duncan.
Zack: This needs explanation and maybe a picture.

VA has a hole in the back of her dress
VA: Oh! That’s so embarrassing. I’m going to tell all kinds of people.

KB: Tell me what I owe you, and I’ll just email you the money.
Mike: You’ll… email me money? What?
KB: Yeah, it’s easy, trust me.
Mike: *weakly* …… kids these days……….

KB: I would also like to go to Walmart.
Dad: Duh, who wouldn't.

Joe: Katie Beth, you can talk to me too, you know! I have a beard now!

Erin: Sometimes it's not fun to be the only person who says stupid stuff.

KB: Think about it! You’re as skinny as a paper clip… you fold up like a paper clip… you weigh as much as a paper clip… you pop in and give your opinion when people didn’t ask you to… you never let anything go… you get soooo excited about everything… face it! YOU’RE CLIPPY!
Rebecca: *tentatively* I don't think I'm actually a paper clip.....

Jesse: Man. I got a big rolling toolbox and tools that are too big to even fit in it! THAT is a good day.

William: Whatcha doin'?
KB: Drawin'.
William: I can draw.
KB: Oh!
William: A car.
KB: Oh?
William: Wanna see?

Starting a model plane
Daddy: Ok, what's the first step?
William: *not looking at all* Says build a wing.

Mom accidentally flings an eggshell across the kitchen
Daddy: Woman! I was shell shocked.

KB: You're sleeping in your slippers?
William: *matter-of-factly* People do it!

William: *throwing his boomerang* Ok! I’m gonna catch you a husband!