Monday, March 2, 2015

Closing Statements from a Disgruntled February 2015


Hey guys, thanks for coming. I won’t be long… ha ha... Man, tough crowd.

Anyway, yeah, so I admit I got a late start this year. Still not thrilled about the memes of me staring at my alarm clock shouting “CRAP CRAP CRAP."

After that whole debacle I got the memo from Corporate, LATE, as usual, saying they’d upped the annual snow quota at the last minute and guess who’s gotta pick up the slack? Gotta call the wife and tell her I’ll be working late again. I swear they do this stuff on purpose. Everybody’s gotta pick on the little guy.

It’s not like I can refuse the extra work. I’m two days short of a full month as it is, I gotta take as much work as I can get. I gotta family to feed!

I see that face, April. Nobody makes you work overtime, you just do it for the attention. Going around like cry, cry, cry all the time just ‘cause you got a girl’s name, gimme a break.

I mean it’s no easy task being the coldest month in the south. I got schools and businesses to close and states of emergency to declare here. I gotta make sure all the stores are low on bread and milk for a week prior to any big project. People like their bread around here. They make TONS.

I just feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick here. What’s the deal? I mean I get that December’s tired and wants to check out. He’s only got like a week of winter anyway. But what’s up with January, huh? You think just ‘cause you’re the first month of the year you can slack off? You had a whole thirty-one days and you did what?

Anyway, all I’m saying is I wish some other people would pull their own weight around here. Not March though. Can’t count on March for anything. Freakin’ hippie.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Quotables!


Becca: I’m sending you a support letter via the mail with no stamp. I’ll just stick it in the mailbox and you’ll find it one day and be surprised

Becca: My grammar skills overwhelm you, admit it

Becca: Part of me wants to go to bible study simply because I washed my hair today and it looks amazing.

Alex: We could make a reality show and be famous
Well, not real famous but mtv2 famous

Maggie: Anna's bigger than Sasquatch?
Patience: Oh, Anna's way bigger than Sasquatch!

Rebecca: I got so much glitter on my visage last night, I think I'm turning into Edward Cullen.

Becca: I’m disappearing for 6 months and traveling with Leo and just pretending I don’t exist. I’ll buy a carrier pigeon to send you notes from me.

Becca: I don’t want to go to small group tonight. I actually want to go to the clinic like now so I’ll quit feeling so weak
KB: Maybe you should do that……?
I would vouch for you
Becca: Well I was deciding between going tonight or tomorrow but maybe you’re right and I should just go tonight.
But my hair. It’s clean and nice.

Mom: I don't know where our big bowl is.
Patience: TO THE BOWLMOBILE!

Pat: *on the phone with a customer* That job would be… Katie Beth
KB: *whispers* Noooo……
Mike: Hehe.
Pat: Oh, actually that’s Mike.
Mike: *whispers* Noooo……

In the middle of a serious conversation
Hana: That’s not important right now. There’s a two inch bee or something in my house.

KB: Today I saw a mom driving a sprinter van.
Dad: Coveting.
KB: The mom or the van?
Dad: Got the mom, don’t have the van.

Alex: No matter what i do i can’t get my side fats to go away!
KB: Is it actually fat or do you just think it is?
Alex: IT JIGGLES
KB: Bahaha
Alex: It’s not funny! This is serious!
KB: On a scale of Orange to G how serious is it?
Alex: Cosmetic testing on infants!
KB: Whooooaaaaa
Alex: Finally grasping the magnitude of the situation I see
KB: At least how you rate the magnitude of the situation
Alex: Threat level RED!
Later
Alex: So after further assessment these jiggly parts on my sides/back may be a combination of skin and a muscle i don’t know how to consciously flex…
Sooo… threat level orange…

KB: You took all my sleep.
Becca: That’s what friends are for

Regarding the frigid temperature of the house
KB: My secret is to make the water so hot that by the time you’re done it’s not even fun anymore and the cold is almost nice. At least I decided that was my secret when I realized it was happening yesterday.
Becca: Lol I mean I realized my nose temp was my secret when it happened yesterday. Life is a series of moments

Becca: Even my laughs are tweetable!!!!

KB: Man, I’m having a hard time with this logo.
Genise: ADD A KITTEN.

Reading Maggie’s shopping list
KB: Yoga pants with pockets? They make those?
Maggie: I don’t know. They might not.
KB: I don’t know if they do. What would you put in them?
Maggie: Hands.

KB: I’m eating cereal on my bed bc the rest of the house is too cold.
VA: I wish I was eating cereal on your bed.

Dad: Were you planning on coming home after church tomorrow?
KB: I wasn't sure... I have a lot of hw. Why?
Dad: Ohhhh....no reason. Maybe cause you can't go in your room.
KB: Lol... well... will I be able to go in there at all before Christmas? And do I know what's in there anyway?
Dad: Hard to say...hard to know. Life's a mystery. Gotta go;-)
KB: Lol, ok, weirdo.
Dad: Tralala, tralala.

KB: I hate everything.
VA: No no no..
KB: But but but….
VA: You said butt. Hehe

Becca: So they have toll house cookie dough for cookies and I just tasted it and it is terrible. The expiration date says dec 2011… Am I going to die?

Alex: I had a dream that you got super fat and i got super fat to make you feel better about it, but it didn’t work and we were both miserable

Squeezing together on the couch
Philip: I wonder if people in big families are skinnier by necessity.

Granddaddy I even actually like dogs, especially when they're on TV.

Rebecca: I don't destroy things, I reinvent things!

Steffi: Phil, did you know Hana's pregnant??
Philip: Is it a puppy?????

KB: Are you about to lasso Shawn?
Kelly: No, he’s not up for it today. Some other day.

Becca: Sometimes I try to pee really loud so you’ll know I’m in the bathroom

KB: I assume you're still living?
Alex: No, sorry for your loss.

KB: I’m at the seminary stealing pancakes and I just saw a mini David Duncan.
Zack: This needs explanation and maybe a picture.

VA has a hole in the back of her dress
VA: Oh! That’s so embarrassing. I’m going to tell all kinds of people.

KB: Tell me what I owe you, and I’ll just email you the money.
Mike: You’ll… email me money? What?
KB: Yeah, it’s easy, trust me.
Mike: *weakly* ……...you kids these days……….

KB: I would also like to go to Walmart.
Dad: Duh, who wouldn't.

Joe: Katie Beth, you can talk to me too, you know! I have a beard now!

Erin: Sometimes it's not fun to be the only person who says stupid stuff.

KB: Think about it! You’re as skinny as a paper clip… you fold up like a paper clip… you weigh as much as a paper clip… you pop in and give your opinion when people didn’t ask you to… you never let anything go… you get soooo excited about everything… face it! YOU’RE CLIPPY!
Later
Rebecca: *tentatively* I don't think I'm actually a paper clip.....

Jesse: Man. I got a big rolling toolbox and tools that are too big to even fit in it! THAT is a good day.

William: Whatcha doin'?
KB: Drawin'.
William: I can draw.
KB: Oh!
William: A car.
KB: Oh?
William: Wanna see?

Starting a model plane
Daddy: Ok, what's the first step?
William: *not looking at all* Says build a wing.

Mom accidentally flings an eggshell across the kitchen
Daddy: Woman! I was shell shocked.

KB: You're sleeping in your slippers?
William: *matter-of-factly* People do it!

William: *throwing his boomerang* Ok! I’m gonna catch you a husband!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Quotables!


Becca: You have to plug in the… well, I don’t know what they’re called. I just call them the Red, White and Yellow. Just like the Red, White and Blue. They’re pretty much the same. Except they didn’t fight for liberty.


Tim: I love cake like a fat kid loves cake.


AJ: Ok, this box is sealed up tighter’n a crab’s buttocks!
KB: I didn’t know that was a thing, but good!
AJ: Oh yeah, crabs got buttockses!


KB: Last night I dreamed that you and I got our pilot’s licenses taken away.
VA: Danggg, not a good start.


AJ: I'm thinkin' about becomin' a male stripper and goin' by 'Rub-A-Dub-Chub.'


Alex: I went an watched a dragon ball z movie in the theater today because I’m a mature adult individual


Tim: I smell horrific.
KB: Bathe?
Tim: I’m at the gym.
KB: Oh. Then it doesn’t matter, right?
Tim: I’m offending myself.
Later, when I’m sleepy:
Tim: I could come and you could smell me and then you couldn’t even think about sleeping.


Becca: Also, I woke up around 2/230 last night and heard someone in our bathroom. I couldn't decide if it was KB or a bathroom troll. I'm hoping KB wasn't up that late so it was probs a troll
KB: Unfortunately KB was up that late. Tonight KB plans to come home from class, do laundry, and then crawl in bed and never leave.
Becca: I'm a little sad we don't have a troll


Tim: i like this convo about speedos and hymns


Tim:  you know what'd be cool?
KB:  what?
Tim:  my apartment
if I'd turned the ac on


Kyle and Andrea haven’t decided on a middle name for their child
Andrea: Not sure yet, any suggestions
KB: Wilfred
Bartholomew
Prometheus
Andrea: You forfit your right to suggest


Tim: i should have a suger mama


Overheard in the locker room
Teenage daughter: Didn't we have a very, very pale woman with us?
Her mom: We did! I think she got lost.


VA: I got this ice cream the other day that had chocolate on one side, vanilla on the other side, and a fudge core all the way down the middle. O.O Soooo goooood.
KB: AND biracial!
VA: Delicious and socially conscious!


Regarding the color of the new siding
Mom: I'm not sure I love it, but I'll live with it for the next twenty years.
Tim: She said that about you once, Katie Beth.


KB: I bet my dad could probably fix our laundry room door.
Becca: Really?? If he wants to fix our door, I will make him some rice. It's all I have.


KB: Personally I'm sitting in bed weighing the pros and cons of having Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys for breakfast.
Jesse: Are there any cons?


Becca, via text: I'm so unmotivated to touch my homework that I'm unmotivated to even get up and come in your room to tell you about it


Upon being told to stop pacing while she eats
Patience: I’M EATING A BANANA. I HAVE TO PACE.


Tim: It hurt to put my suit on over my sunburn today. Wanted to wear a short dress.


William: One of my friends has a whatsitcalled….
Rebecca: A fever.
Tim: A turtle.
William: A loose tooth!


Tim: ladies always be wantin my shower curtain


Tim: can't remember if you're supposed to tithe the firstfruits of your ice maker


Becca: Today I started a war. Not some sissy war like World War I or II. No, not even an insignificant one like Vietnam. Today ramen and my tummy met for the first time in months and have decided they hate one another. I am giving all of my energy and love to my tummy but ramen is pulling ahead. There are some battles one must lose to win the war. We’re currently debating strategy on what to do next.


KB: I didn’t shave my legs last night. I feel like a woolly mammoth.
Becca: Omgoodness!!!!!!! 20,000 points for slytherin


Tim:  i hate having to pee at starbucks
don't like leaving my computer out
KB:  yeah... me neither
makes you nervous and peeing isn't as satisfying
Tim:  man
you get me, kb


Tim:  her dress is much shorter than mine


VA: Wanna see the giant gaping hole in my foot? Of course you do.


I whistle a little bit
Becca: Was that YOU?
KB: Yeah.
Becca: That was very birdlike!


Tim: I'm now wearing boxers and almost wearing socks
so I'm close to ready to leave


At William’s soccer game
Daddy: That kid is like a cedar of Lebanon.


Tim is trying to hang things in his new apartment, but he can’t find tools
Tim: *sadly* I guess it’s not hammer time.


Tim: Also, I apparently made coffee without turning on my kettle. It’s not great.


KB:  I also feel like my grocery list is missing crucial items but I can't remember what they are
Tim:  i HATE that
KB:  there was something that started with a B that I'm positive I'm missing
gaaahhhh
WHAT WAS IT TIM
WHAT WAS IT
Tim:  butt powder


Tim:  going to wear my hiking shoes
and pack my running shoes
'cause I'm an adventurer
KB:  naturally
Tim:  sometimes i adventure naturally
usually wear at least something though


Tim:  Standing next to a record shop. That just sells records.
KB:  wut
Tim:  Like massive plastic mp3s


Pat: I’ve had the same thing for breakfast every day since I was in middle school. I drink a big glass of Instant Breakfast. I know you’re thinking, “Did they even make it back then, when there was no electricity?” But they DID.


Sliding the silverware holder in the drying rack
Becca: Whoa! This thing moves?!??! I didn’t know that!
KB: Becca, we’ve lived here for a year and two months….
Becca: DON’T TALK ABOUT IT.