Friday, April 18, 2014

Quotables!


NOTE: I never thought it would be necessary to make a limit on poop-related quotables, but then things happened. So I made a limit. Then I ignored it.

***

Rump: Virginia, you’d be a good goalie.
VA: Why?
Rump: Because you could just stand there and be fat.


Becca: Feet are gross.
Drew: Ok!
Becca: I'm sorry, I have mad feet problems!
Drew: Says the girl who was just rubbing her feet!!!
Becca: I WASN'T RUBBING THEM!!! *very quietly* I wasn't rubbing them.


Tim: On a mostly unrelated note, I'm just looking at the Debrecen Synod of 1567 and they have a special section to show that women do indeed have souls. So that's good.


Becca: I just want you to know that it hurts my feelings that you don’t also text me while your pooping like you do to drew. Geez.
KB: LOL I honestly have no memory of texting Drew while pooping so it must have been many moons ago, but uhhhmm I can def start keeping you in the loop! Hahahaha
Becca: BAHAHA the poop loop


Alex: You should feel accomplished because on this day you handled a social situation with less tact and grace than I could’ve and that takes serious talent!


Miles: I’m sticking to my guns, no matter how small and ineffective they are. Musket balls are outdated. The world is flat.


Tim: It was really great that my family could stop by to check their phones in my living room tonight.


Andrea: I said spruce, awkward.


Alex: In mermaid form you look kind of like Ariel, just so you’re aware.


KB: Just wanted you to know that I’m pooping
Becca: Ironically, I am now pooping. Look at us keeping each other in the poop loop


KB: Oh, that guy does not match.
Tim: Who?
KB: He’s wearing the loudest striped sweatshirt and the loudest plaid shorts.
Tim: Do you need to go back? It seems like you need to get it out.


Becca: I have a paper due at midnight that’s 350 words. It’s short. But I’m still currently pulling it out of my butt. This counts as pooping to me so I thought I’d tell you.


KB: I’m still amazed at how I can stick my foot in my mouth and gnaw on it endlessly.
Hana: So am I when I keep TELLING you.


Tim: Well, anyway, your mom told me last night that I’m “looking so tall and thin these days”. So I’ve got that going for me.
KB: Lol. Is that tall part a new development?
Tim: She said being thinner makes me look taller.
KB: Huh. Wonder if that would work for me.
Tim: I would not recommend you experiment with being thinner.
KB: But I’m so short.
Later
KB: I just ate a ton of fresh mango and I’m starting to think that was a bad idea.
Tim: It’ll make you shorter.


KB: I am retarded. I want to kick myself in the face.
We have a 15 minute conversation about why I’m retarded
Becca: Can you really not kick yourself in the face?
KB and Drew: That’s what you took away from this conversation??!?!!
Becca: Well, when you said that I was thinking, “KB’s legs are so long, she could totally kick herself in the face!” I was thinking about it the whole time! Can you try now??


Mike: You gotta love working at a place that has a beer bottle opener.
KB: ...That’s literally exactly what I was thinking before you walked in.


Getting into my messy car
Anna: I think I know the deal by now. Step on everything but the weightlifting book, right?


Mom: I haven't seen you flex your muscles in a while. You should do that again.
KB: ....??


Tim: Which book of the bible says a deacon must be able to answer a million emails per day?


KB: How can you have sooooo many papers??? It seems inhumane.
Becca: I think the more papers they give us the less chance we have of being in the world AND of the world.


Jess: If you see a wandering pizza person, they’re looking for me.
KB: Wandering pizza person, huh? Ok. If I see any homeless pizza people I’ll let you know.
Jess: I said wandering, not homeless!
KB: They might be the same.
Jess: No they’re not. Wandering people shower!


VA: One time me and Frosty were talking about coffee, and I was like, “...and it makes you poop a lot!” And then it was awkward because apparently that’s just me.
KB: What?! It totally makes everyone poop.
VA: I can’t decide if I should put that on facebook. I kind of want to. BUT I’m drinking coffee in class, and a guy I’m friends with on fb is sitting right behind me. Awkward…
KB: I’m putting this whole converation in quotables. So.


Becca: You should call Quotables "Pooptables".


Becca: I got really excited when you turned the kettle on, cause I was like, "Oh, Drew's having tea, so there'll be enough water for us both to have tea, [*evilly*] TOGETHER!!!"


Drew: Man! I used my peanut butter spoon for my tea!


Looking at a container of paint
Drew: I don't think this should be called "Golden Sunset." I think it should be called........ *thinks very hard*........... "yellow brown."


Regarding her kneaded eraser
Drew: I once wove a little blanket out of this.


KB: I'm still so full... I never stay full this long.
Tim: Chicken was battered in lembas...


Watching me pour motor oil from the pan to a jug
Tim: It seems like you could use two pairs of hands for this task.
KB: Well, yeah.
Tim: I'm wearing the headlamp, I don't know if I can do anything else.


VA: We passed somebody and I thought, "that girl has a nice butt." It wasn't a girl.


Andrea: Laying in my hammock is a good ab workout because you have to lift your butt off the ground the whole time


Tim:  it's my life long dream to become a welder
though I'd also be open to bison farmer


Tim: i submitted two complaints to the UPS today
all i want in life is to be able to order stuff from amazon and have it show up AT MY DOOR in two days
and this guy is destroying all my hopes and dreams
KB:  wow
at least you're easy to please....
Tim: yup
also hope to be able to eat cinnamon rolls on holidays
but that's secondary


Regarding men who Don’t Get It:
Becca: I don’t understand why I can’t smack sense into them. It should be a spiritual gift given to women.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Quotables


VA: William, would you take me out on a date if I weren’t your sister?
William: Well, maybe. If I had my own car.
VA: If you had your own car you’d take me on a date?
William: Yeah, maybe. If you weren’t my sister.
KB: Would you take me on a date if I weren’t your sister?
William: Well maybe, if I had my own car!
KB: So you’d pick me up and pay for dinner and stuff? You know the guy has to pay if it’s a date?
William: What?!?!
KB: You didn’t know the guy has to pay?
William: I don’t wanna pay!
KB: So you wouldn’t take me out on a date if I weren’t your sister?
William: Well, I don’t wanna pay! You can pay! I just wanna drive!


VA: I like the picture of me doing a flip on the trampoline, because it makes me look mildly athletic.
KB: That is something to think about. I want a new profile pic. I would want one of me doing deadlifts but I want to get more plates on first.
VA: How about when I finish eating, you can have my plates.


Passing Victoria’s Secret
VA: UGH, her perfect body. I wish I looked like that.
KB: It’s not real, you know.
VA: Yes it is!
KB: There’s a LOT of Photoshop on those pictures.
VA: Oh. Well… I’m just gonna pretend she’s a really fat girl to make myself feel better.


After watching a Blistex commercial
KB: Do you girls have five-star lips?
Rebecca: No….
KB: Well you better GET ON that.
Maggie: I think mine are more like three-star.


KB: Obama’s at nc state so 40’s shut down. THANKS OBAMA
VA: You see how his socialist agenda is affecting today’s traffic.


Rebecca: I may or may not have gotten literally stuck inside a pair of pants yesterday.


Anna: I really wanna see The Hunger Games. The Conlon boys said it was really good. Well, Peter said it was good. Nate said the seats were uncomfortable.


After I burp
William: Jesse and Daddy burp like that. It’s so cool.


William: Have you ever seen a three-legged elephant? Cuz I haven’t.


KB: William, do you want pie now?
William: No, I want to de-gest a little first.


Dave: hows fun time with the kids?
KB: We just finished Cars 2, then we finished the pie, now we’re watching Phineas and Ferb. Then I think Pookums and Zubby are going to bed and Anna and I are watching She’s the Man. Big agenda. :-P What about you?
Dave: about the same actually. After i put zibbidydooda and chingching to bed, me and sartaropolaus are gonna watch justified


KB: do yall have casual fridays?
Dave: NO!
haha
we have uncomfortable Tuesdays


A sibling: How many is a bajillion?
KB: What do you mean? What kind of question is that? That's like asking "How many is five?" It's five! A bajillion is a bajillion!
Days later
KB: How long is ten feet?
Dave: What do you mean? What kind of question is that?! It's ten of them!


Guy at the brewery: Can I get a Fruitcake for my partner?
Later
Dave: Ok, you have to put this in your quotables. This has to be, like, your whole Quotables. That guy just asked for a Fruitcake for his partner. Do you not see how funny that is??


KB: We assaulted part of the driveway earlier.
Mom: That sounds like fun.


Rebecca: Periods really cramp my style.
KB: har har har
Rebecca: You should thank me, I opted not to post that on facebook.


Pat: What is up with my preacher? He wants me to join Twitter.


William: Mrs. Lenahan, can I have my birthday party at your house?
Mrs. Lenahan: Sure! What do you want to do?
William: Well, I mostly want to play with the Potato Heads.


KB: Stop! You look like an embarrassed sea turtle!
Rebecca: I am an embarrassed sea turtle!
KB: Well stop! Sea turtles have nothing to be embarrassed about!
Maggie: Except looking like awkward Rebeccas.


As I timidly get in the car so she can drive:
Rebecca: You are not going to die. Well, you might.


Rebecca: Nowadays I can mostly put my turn signals on and off without crashing into people.


Alex: I ate too much comfort food and now I feel terrible :-(
KB: Lol, oh dear. You do that a lot.
Alex: I NEED A LOT OF COMFORTING!!!!
KB: Whoa there buddy.
Alex: Just not from people…
KB: Hahahaha
Alex: What?
KB: Oh nothing
Alex: You don’t count as people!!
KB: I’m really confused about whether or not I should be offended.
Alex: Lol, I don’t like people.
KB: But… am I food?
Alex: I just laughed soooo hard! You are NOT food.
KB: GOOD.
Alex: Your meat would be tough and bland because you exercise too much and have no fat!
KB: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Alex: No way!


KB: I'm at Hana and Michael’s and I'm not wearing pants. [Translation: I’m wearing leggings.]
Later:
VA: Also, at Hana and Michael’s, what were you wearing under your not pants?
KB: underpants! They're Hana's not pants.
VA: you just wore those around Michael?? Weird.
KB: Well they're super loose, so... I'm still wearing them actually. We're having the laziest day ever AND there was bacon.
VA: You should put some pants on. Poor Michael.
KB: HE doesn't care. They just look like those horrible stirrup pants everyone used to wear.
VA: Why does Hana have those? Ohh I just realized... I was actually imagining you wearing underwear. And when you said that they're loose, it just made it way worse.
KB: ...............
Va: rofl
KB: woooooow lolz
VA: Glad we got that cleared up. SO GLAD.


Alex: One time in the Harris Teeter parking lot I saw three midgets. They were in the middle of where everyone else was driving, and they were holding hands and skipping.
KB: They were going to Oz.
Alex: No, they were going to Subway.


KB: I think I just choked on my own throat and coughed it all up….
Alex: You coughed up your throat?! 
KB: I believe so, yes.
Alex: Is that something you can walk off or do you need to seek a professional?


Alex: I’m tired of being a fattymagoo.


VA: last night I dreamed that I found a live baby in a dumpster. I rescued it, but it kept shrinking throughout the dream, and eventually it turned into a sponge.
KB: .......
I've always sort of wanted to rescue a baby, but I would want to keep it, and that would probably not be very good. So that's why I never rescue babies. When I see em lying around I'm like, nah.
VA: Yeah. I kept the one I rescued, and it turned into a sponge. I think the moral of this story is pretty clear.


Alex: I fear that I will never again have a job where I can have impromptu giant pixie stick fights with the customers… that’s a sad realization...


Miles: Apparently we have a slack mailman. Ima find 'im and give him what for. And then I'm gonna beat him up, with that same what for. You can beat someone up with a what for, right?


William: Sometime I want to come stay at your house without the girls, and we can go to your pool and eat pizza all day!
KB: Pizza all day?? That doesn't sound very healthy....
William: *thinks for a minute* Pizza and carrots and apples!


Dave:  i had a return today that was 106 pages long
i cant wait until my financial life gets that complicated
right now
its like.......3 pages
depending on the font size and spacing
KB:  why the heck would you want it to be complicated??!?!?!! why can't it be uncomplicated and just pricey?!
Dave:  that statement would be an improvement for the average woman
instead.....they are complicated AND pricey


Following a conversation about Anna's throwing knives
Jordan: Every time I come back I'm slightly amazed that there are still so many of you.
Patience: Is it because our brains are smaller than normal?


During a discussion of weight and exercise
Patience: *picks up a French fry* should I eat this?... It's fine, I can afford it.


Patience: I’m pretty sure I’m Grandma’s favorite grandchild.
KB: You’re sure of that, huh?
Patience: How could I not be?


KB: There’s a goose out there, just chillin’ in the water.
Pat: Stupid idiot.
KB: He’s all by himself.
Pat: Oh, there’s another one. They’re in pairs, they can’t poop alone.


Getting birthday gift suggestions:
KB: What about Patience?
Mom: No idea. Was going to google “gifts for the organized child.”